''just''
I have been on a pilgrimage inside my life recently. The growing frustrations of unnecessary bullshit that plagues my life has become unbearable and I have decided to treat myself to the full nihilistic indulgence of allowing myself to soak myself solely in enjoyment. Now I know how unrealistic this is and fear not I have carved out enough empty space for fear and pain to roam around me still. That’s because they still serve me hence why I allow them in. What does not serve me I am working on ruthlessly eradicating.
It started with people around me who prove themselves to be fair-weathered at best. No patience. I do not mean it in a ‘if they wanted they would’, but I have been blessed with a huge surrounding of friends around me to recognise with intense precision where I fall on someone’s scale of importance. As they say the phone works both ways but when the fatigue sets in from being the one dialling in I’ll save myself the trouble. They don’t owe me anything and neither do I.
From this it progressed into my complete impatience for getting involved in conversations that I find unproductive. And listen, I live in London we talk about the weather 2 times a day at minimum and I still enjoy it greatly. But I love leaving. I love not getting myself involved. I adore not going. I am passionate about skipping out. If I can not be bothered I don’t, so simple yet it took me years to allow myself the pleasure. It’s been great.
The next natural step was to wipe social media from my phone to a certain extent. The time blocker features have been a godsend and I have started to develop an aversion to certain apps in the last two weeks which has opened up so much time for much more interesting things for me. I started roller skating again and taking myself to the movies as much as possible, I started subjecting my eyes to all the exhibitions that are at my disposal instead. Unfortunately, I am still enamoured by the fading magic of Twitter and it’s proven the one app that I struggle to let go. Perhaps I do not even have to. Why deny myself that pleasure?
The one habit I am actively working on is to get rid of the word ‘‘just’’ in my speech. It signals to me a certain discomfort, a need to explain myself, a tool to minimise what I am saying. A way to not stand behind my words or rather to soften what I mean. It has become so frustrating when I catch myself about to blurt it out or when I type it out that I let a sharp exhale from my nostrils each time it slithers it’s way out of me and out into the world. It does not represent me yet here we are!
It mainly rears its ugly head in crop-world- a place I very much do not feel comfortable, but have managed to thankfully bend out enough for me to fit as I am. I see it thrown around by some unnecessarily apologetic women here as well so often and it makes my jaw clench for them to do the same as I recognise the feeling, the need to shrink. I slotted in nicely with my crew as they too do not fit in to the mould provided for us. I feel such relief when I know how open and honest I can be around them.
Yet the usage of ‘‘just’’ has become so difficult for me to wipe from my vocabulary that I had to take a good hard look in the mirror and admit that all it does is make myself seem so small, makes me so apologetic. For what? What I have to say? Feels odd to start caring about it now considering in all my years on Earth I don’t recall a time I didn’t stand behind what I wanted to express. So what changed? The sense of not belonging? Because that’s not it really; I firmly believe no one really belongs anywhere and we are all cosplaying to a certain extent who we are until we figure it out, or reach a stage of bliss where we allow ourselves the space to become everchanging by remaining curious.
I work with one of my best friends and when I get doubtful over my pseudo-corp emails that I have to send out to people fancier than me he always has one note for me ‘‘Don’t apologise! Delete that, it’s not your fault.’’ I think it really helped with some of the wiring in my brain. It healed a part of me that deeply feared that somehow my involvement in the machine I entered will somehow be abolished because I speak too firmly. Hence the newly founded overuse of ‘‘just’’. As if being clear and concise without the need to take on non-existent blame will unravel all the work my peers have put into creating this powerful machine that I belong in. They don’t care however. They would rather me say what I have to and stand tall behind it than look at me shrinking into non-existence.
The patience chokes me up sometimes, it’s the recognition that I’m trying, that I care. It chokes me up when I think about the grace I’m being given by these - in my eyes and the eyes of the people in the industry - titans that I get to work with and even call my friends. I try not to think about it too much or the anxiety will paralyse me, but I recognise the scale of what I do when I share what I can to the people around me and their eyes bulge out and a soft exclamation of pure awe escapes their mouth. I’m grateful. Barely able to believe my silly luck I get to do this for a living and I rub elbows with people that some would kill to have 5 minutes of their time.
I am trying to be better at recognise the fact that I myself am a weapon. It’s why they got me on in the first place. Praise tends to go in one ear and out the other. Perhaps it’s time to allow it some space too, to allow it to mean something for me. And if I can ‘just’ stop saying ’just’’, that’d be great too¬
